My Bathroom Exorcism, as a Young Christian Child
I was raised in a very religious setting, from birth until the day I moved out of my parents’ home. Things got weird at times. I’ve seen some shit. Most of it happened in church. Sometimes at revival camps. But once in a while, I remember a really oddball occurrence that I’d forgotten about but really stands out once I think of it again.Let’s provide a little backstory though to this: the belief in and fear of Satan, the Devil, and Beelzebub himself. If you ask me, Christians give far too much power to the opposing force of Jesus. Back when we were kids, we were told anything that Christians didn’t like or approve of was of the Devil. We couldn’t listen to music because it was of the Devil. AC/DC stood for “Anti-Christ, Devil’s Child”. KISS was an acronym for “Knights in Satan’s Service”. And don’t even get me started about Ozzy Osbourne. The dude bit the head off of a dove, a bat, and pissed all over the Alamo.We were taught that we’re “In the world, but not of the world”. Uh, ok. Being worldly sounded a hell of a lot more fun to me than being a religious nut. 28 years since breaking free from the shackles of religion, I can confirm this is true. My dad saw some sort of advertisement once for a sweatshirt with a Bible verse printed across the front of it. This would have been around 6th or 7th grade. He wanted to order one for me. “Uh, no thank you. I’m already a big enough of a target as it is with these big ears and ever-growing nose. Please don’t make me an even bigger one.” That was the thought going through my head before he lost interest or figured out the price was above his budget for children’s weird religious apparel. Thank Christ being a pastor didn’t pay…
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