Republican Also-Rans Looking Forward to Next Pointless Debate
Following two Trumpless debates for the 2024 GOP Presidential nomination, the top-ranked candidates — all of whom have zero chance of defeating Donald Trump in the primaries — expressed excitement about the next contest scheduled for November 8, and about their White House prospects.
“These debates really let me showcase my wit and charisma, plus they’ll solidify my status as the top bar-trivia contest question in the Politics category. Mother is so proud.”“The debates matter because I still have a good shot at this thing. I’m just like Trump, except unindicted and everybody hates me.”
Former Governor of South Carolina and woman, Nikki Haley:
“Did y’all hear when I said Vivek was stupid? Even The New York Times thought it was the best line of the show. I’ve got the kind of momentum that could make me Trump’s VP, especially since I started hedging my bets on whether the 2020 election was stolen. That wouldn’t be the worst experience a woman could have, probably, and more importantly, the dude is seventy-seven and only eats Big Macs so — do the math.”
“Obviously I have no idea what I’m talking about but just showing up on this stage will get me a two million dollar advance on my next book. Go woke, go broke, everyone!”
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